When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. – George Carlin

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. – Unknown

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head. – Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. – Steven Wright

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. – Steven Wright

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. – Jack Benny

I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror. – Danny Zuker

It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. – Will Rogers

I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth. – Will Rogers

Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.

Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.

I’m addicted to placebos. – Steven Wright

When nothing is going right, go left.

Reality continues to ruin my life. – Bill Watterson

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. – Phyllis Diller

Never miss a good chance to shut up. – Will Rogers

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. – Winston S. Churchill

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. – Cathy Guisewite

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. – Ellen DeGeneres

It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. –  Rodney Dangerfield